“If joy for you is only possible when things are going amazing, your joy or your happiness is therefore out of your hands … If joy and happiness are dependent on external circumstances, how good is it? … How fragile [is it]?”
Ryan Holiday on TKP (11/26)
At nearly the same time last year, I was back aboard the Stoic-wagon delving into the writings of some of my favorite ancient philosophers yet again. That wagon might have continued along on the same path, but I have long since fallen off and it has been many, many months since it has been in view.
That isn’t to say that I don’t have my virtuous moments any given day. My ability to reason through a problem and parse out what I do (and more importantly don’t) have control of remains a strength. Establishing realistic expectations while bearing in mind that only a limited number of things are in my control is another. I rarely try to bend the world to my will and am usually very accepting of things when they don’t go my way. Most of the time.
There are narrow domains, however, where the stakes seem the highest, that I struggle and I continue to feel disheartened. The story that I tell myself is that if people thought, chose, or acted differently, everything would be okay. I’d feel okay. I would feel valued, loved, and maybe even as if I mattered. But I don’t.
It is in those moments of despair that I consider how amazing everything would be if people could just hear and respond to me in a meaningful way, and I think I know how to make that happen. I just have to be better, work harder, and love more … that’ll make them see me – all of me – not just the pieces of me that make them feel valued, loved, and as if they matter. People will engage with me in the manner I engage with them and I will begin to feel okay, I think.
But how much sense does that make, really? Should I expect people to change or act or engage differently for my benefit just because I would make the same effort to change for theirs? And if they don’t or if they can’t, is it on them to try harder, or is it on me to just accept the circumstance for what it is?
“[The downside of wanting to be loved is that] you become a people pleaser and you live other people’s lives, and you live in anticipation of other people’s approval of you.”
Patton Oswalt on Blocks
The problem, obviously, is that once I step away from the perspective and distortion of despair for a while, I see the situation with clarity. I begin to see that every domain in life requires the same stoic vigilance, especially when the stakes seem the highest and definitely in the matters of love, value, and meaningfulness. And make no mistake, I KNOW this to be true. I just have my blindspots and sometimes I forget.
So, thus begins another day. It is a day to extend grace to myself for being human and making mistakes. A day to live in the moment without focusing instead on what happened yesterday or all the things that might happen (or not) tomorrow. A day to be mindful of what I can and cannot control, and to not wish to control things that I can’t and shouldn’t. It is another day to try to find a little bit of Eudaimonia. Eudaimonia is anti-fragile, after all.