I heard a wonderful tip from a podcast yesterday and it was successful the first time I used it.
Do you want empathy or a solution?
Lisa Feldman
She said that she asks this question in her own home and it really helps to meet the emotional needs of her children, her husband, and even herself.
It immediately resonated with me: I KNOW that I am guilty of being solution driven and have often made the mistake of offering unsolicted solutions to predicaments when only empathy is being sought. If I were to begin to make this a habit, perhaps I might be able to avoid some of the relationship hiccups that are all-too-common.
Only 30 minutes after hearing this tip, Victoria expressed her discontent. She had been snacking in the car all day. She had eaten lunch only 4 hours earlier. She knew that we were 60-90 minutes from our destination, yet she still felt compelled to announce to everyone in the car:
“I’m hungry.”
I could have followed my instinct … the angst-filled instinct that wanted to lash out after being in the car for over eight hours and was frustrated by the traffic, the too-early fading daylight, and the apparent loss of foliage in southwest Maine. I could have blurted out something unproductive, but – instead – I took a deep breathe and asked, “Are you hoping that I can offer you a solution, or do you just want me to hear you?”
And – wouldn’t you know it – she stopped talking for a moment and paused. She actually stopped and thought about it for a moment.
“Daddy, how much longer until we get to the apartment?”
I told her that I expected to be to the apartment in a little over an hour, but I couldn’t say for certain. I assured her I was getting there as quickly as I could. Then she took another pause.
“Can we please order food right away when we get there?”
It turns out that she only needed to be heard … she came up with the solution all on her own.
I didn’t hear another complaint for the remainder of the ride.
It took 74 minutes.
We ordered dinner right away.