“Holding a grudge is like shitting your own pants and hoping someone else [has to sit in it] … “Don’t you see? Don’t you see what you’re doing to me?” but you are doing it entirely on your own.
– Neal Brennan, Blocks podcast with Bill Fitzsimmons
I did the right thing. It was – without a doubt – the right call to make. I told him to cover his ass and protect himself, and he did.
Not everyone saw it that way, of course. A few weeks later the chart was pulled for review by the payor, the agency was refunding the insurance company, and he was singled out for “not doing us any favors”. I proceeded to have his back.
Less that 72 hours later, I was informed that I was under “investigation” for compensating my staff unfairly for their work. Within a week, my staff was receiving calls from management asking them, “So, what do you think of your manager?”
That was nearly 6 months ago. I suppose I would have heard from someone if the investigation had yielded anything. Perhaps someone is just waiting for me to make a misstep. I don’t know.
I hated the feeling when I learned I was being singled out. It didn’t feel like I had failed. Instead, I felt rejected. I had been dismissed and thrown away. All the work, how intensely I had cared, the shared experiences … they were all brushed aside, seemingly minimized and discarded, because someone else thought I needed to be punished.
To be ignored hurts, when you feel like you aren’t worthy of being seen. It can hurt worse, though, when you are seen, examined, understood and still rejected.
This particular rejection? This one really stung.
But I suspect they felt betrayed. They couldn’t see the situation objectively. They saw me taking sides and not theirs. They probably felt me diminishing them, thinking I knew better, perhaps that I was smarter, and maybe questioning, challenging or disrespecting authority. Maybe it felt like the hierarchy was being assaulted and I needed to be put in my place.
Among the other misfortunes of humanity is this: that man’s intellects are confused and they not only cannot help going wrong but love going wrong. To avoid being angry with individuals, you must pardon the whole mass. You must grant forgiveness to the entire human race.
-Seneca
Since that time, I have had to ask myself some questions: Do I stay or do I go? Do I change how I engage with people? Do I continue as I always have? I stayed, I engage as I always have, and I do as I’ve always done. I just stay in my office a little more; being ‘chummy’ wouldn’t exactly be authentic. Still, I need to continue to live my life in accordance with my values.
So I continue to go into work each day. I try to understand with empathy what drives and motivates me and the people I interact with. I try to remember that we all have our own insecurities, our own demons living in our own shadows. I try to remain rational and maintain control in the face of adversity. I try to be fair and just in each and every moment, seeing each circumstance as objectively as I can. I try to remain measured and unimpulsive. I try to keep perspective, because I too am imperfect, struggle with irrational emotions, and sometimes succumb to my more basic thoughts and feelings.
This is the way forward.
Forgiveness is often most challenging when that other group or person is asking for it. There is no contrition and no remorse. They might do it again if they acted out of self-preservation, and they certainly don’t seem to care that they have inflicted any harm. In those instances we are left with an important choice: Do I forgive or do I hold a grudge?
The phrase is thought to have been attributed to Buddha, but is has been borrowed and co-opted by many different folks over the years. Nelson Mandela said, “Choosing not to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting your transgressor to suffer.” Anne Lamott has been quoted as saying, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Marianne Williamson’s take on the theme was, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.”
My take?
A wise man doesn’t shit himself to spite someone else.