“We need to keep firmly in mind that everything we value and the people we love will someday be lost to us. If nothing else, our own death will deprive us of them … There will be – or has been! – a last time in your life that you brush your teeth, cut your hair, drive a car, mow the lawn, or play hopscotch. There will be a last time you hear the sound of snow falling, watch the moon rise, smell popcorn, feel the warmth of a child falling asleep in your arms, or make love. … If we thought that we could repeat them at will, a meal at a favorite restaurant or a kiss shared with our lover might have been unremarkable. But if we know that they cannot be repeated, they will likely become extraordinary events: The meal will be the best we ever had […]
“…this prompts me to marvel at our madness in cleaving with great affection to such a fleeting thing as the body, and in fearing lest some day we may die, when every instant means the death of our previous condition. Will you not stop fearing lest that may happen once which really happens every day?” Seneca I love this quote, which takes aim at the irrational fear of death that most people (myself included) experience. By bringing to our attention that every instant that we live necessarily brings with it the death of our previous condition, Seneca was able to strike on something over 2000 years ago that has only been further validated by science in more modern times. This is incredibly profound, and (of course) fits nicely with my own biases. It seems that most people appreciate that their middle-aged self is not the “same” person as their 20-year-old […]
I keep saying that I am going to do things differently, but I rarely do. I started running again this early summer, then quit when I developed symptoms related to a neuroma. I have started a diet on a few occasions in the last few months, but it never sticks. At best I am ambivalent. At worst, depressed. I don’t know and – frankly – it probably doesn’t matter. Of course, my saying so probably resolves some of the ambiguity surrounding my inability to enact any degree of sustainable change. There has been a myriad of excuses, but none of them carry any legitimacy. I do know what sustains me, and this – whatever THIS is – ain’t doing it. So, I gotta do something. I have been revisiting some philosophy again – listening to Stoic Meditations nearly every day and contemplating more purposefully not so much about what I want […]
I woke up at 0300 this morning and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I laid in bed at 0500 hemming and hawing about getting out with the camera. And although the sunrise forecast was weak, I could see a few breaks in the clouds, so I made a last minute decision to head out, nonetheless. Looking at the ephemeris, it seemed that the most accessible place to go and maybe capture a meaningful image was at the western shore of Oneida Lake, so I went to Oneida Shores. Let me tell you, it was windy. When I arrived, I only had 10-15 minutes to photograph. I immediately recognized that I wanted to use a portrait orientation so that I could include the varied clouds and colors in the sky. But the water was rough and I couldn’t figure out what to do with the foreground until I elected to wait […]
For the last 3-4 years, I have said that I am going to travel while Christine and the kids are in NJ and I never do. Not once … until this year. I communicate with Michael more than anyone. Both long before and since the pandemic, we have developed this really, really nice friendship. Usually we hang out every year in San Diego, but that didn’t this past February and probably won’t happen this coming February, either. It had been too long since we hung out and that needed to change. I had initially asked him if he was going to be around one of the weekends that the family was in NJ … I approached him under the guise of making a photo-trip to Rhode Island and was hoping to maybe get to see him if he was around and could fit me in for a couple drinks one […]
The number wasn’t in my contacts, but I recognized it. The words? I couldn’t even. I don’t know if you guys heard but we had some terrible news today. Joelle passed away in her sleep last night … I had been texting with her the day before. We were doing what we had always done, finding humor in the dark and perverse. After one volley of messages we had this exchange: Joelle: You are going straight to hell with me in the front seat of the train. [laughing emoji] Me: Do you think they’ll have seat belts? Her: Jesus Christ [laughing emoji]. I sure hope they don’t at that point fuck it. 13 hours later she was gone and she left without me. I had missed her when she was still alive. I hadn’t seen her in 5 years … we visited the area less and she was always busy […]
Or at least I think they’ve got it wrong. And I throw this idea out there without much to back it up aside from my own biased perspective, but there is a chance that such a perspective might of increased value and should be listened to. A friend recently asked me what I thought about ‘happiness’ and I replied: To be happy all the time is not unlike eating all the time, I think. Hunger is a need state: we experience the unpleasantness of hunger when we are beginning to run a deficit of some sort. We (usually) eat to satiate and reduce the unpleasantness of hunger, but the feeling of fullness is not euphoric. Nor is the feeling of fullness the opposite of hunger; it doesn’t lie on a continuum with hunger, but instead correlates to a lack of hunger, I think. To that end, we are always in […]
Forward June 12, 2020 I’m stuck. I’ve put on 5 pounds. The angst is back. I can’t seem to get up and do much of anything. My PHQ-2 would score would require further assessment. I need to do something. I’m gonna run. I’ll hate it, but that is okay. I’m gonna do it anyway. Spite and self-loathing make for a high octane fuel. I’m gonna run 13.1 miles. Save the date: October 11, 2020. #backontrack July 4, 2020 On 6/13, for the first time in over a year, I ran. Actually, I am not certain that I can call it running. For all practical purposes I lightly jogged 3.5 miles. I’m not in my 20s anymore, so I took it slow; I was really just trying to see what my heart and lungs would let me do (they are typically the governor on my engine). I expected to make it […]
Next week would usually be my week to recharge for the next year. It isn’t enough, but my annual pilgrimage to San Diego always seems to help. I live a mostly lonely life here at home, especially since disconnecting from social media, and those few days in San Diego are usually some of the best that I have any given year. It offers a respite from the cold and warms the soul with conversation and sharing space with people with whom I have formed a kinship. It didn’t start out that way, of course. It began with me reading a website, joining a small online forum, and becoming caught up in ideas, thinking, and learning. From those experiences online, friendships developed virtually, then “in real life” with handshakes, hugs, and laughs (both drunken and sober). We found each other because we shared a single obsessive interest; we became friends because […]