I was going to spend less time online and on my phone consuming. I was going to take that newfound time and communicate, create, and explore. Yet – despite cutting back on my digital life – I haven’t had time for those things. Instead, I’ve been watching the NBA playoffs, which have no value to me whatsoever. I don’t have a favorite team or a favorite player. There’s not even a team that I’d rather see win. Yet there I am watching television while an unread book rests at my feet and the content of a blog post is echoing in my mind.
I never used to be or feel this way – I don’t know when it started. I used to sit around all night, every night, watching sports and cheering on various teams until – somewhere along the way – these last 8 years – I lost the undeserving satisfaction and misguided sense of pride associated with watching the success of an athlete that wore the same colors as I did or attended college in the same town where I grew up. It ceased to make sense to me.
Yet here I am at night watching the NBA playoffs. And in another month I’ll watch the Tour de France too. Why? I’m not sure, but it has something to do with voyeurism and awe, I think … aesthetics and human potential. It remains compelling, somehow, even if I don’t have a dog in the fight. But it is also easy. It is still passive consumption, and ultimately – and unfortunately – unsatisfying.
I find that while passive activity/consumption may serve as very short-term solution to my pursuit of meaning (or avoidance of reminders of meaninglessness) in life, it serves as an empty distraction. When I am finished consuming, I feel … I dunno, underachieved? It’s as if I cheated myself, somehow, by participating in something that was more lazy than ambitious, more consumptive than creative.
And that isn’t the necessarily the Western culture of productivity influencing me directly (although the indirect influence is likely to be undeniable) – it has to do with the lack of satisfaction, I think. There is something persistent about the distraction/joy from writing a post, capturing an image, learning something new, or engaging with a cherished friend, while passive consumption is satisfying only in the moment … the benefit is gone as soon as it is powered off.
Yet, there I was last night watching yet another basketball game, because I’m a smoker. We all are in some way. I think.
Most smokers say they want to quit. Most have tried, many times. But they can’t. They can’t find it (whatever ‘it’ is) in themselves to actively muster what is needed to make an active choice in the direction of change, to steer away from inertia. And yes, doing nothing (e.g. not smoking) is an active process. Ever heard of the need to ‘exercise restraint’? Doing nothing shouldn’t be mistaken for not doing something.
Active choices can be hard. It takes a certain resolve to stop something and even more resolve to start something new in its place. I see it all the time with my patients; I am dealing with it now.
I am doing well, though. I quit FB. I quit IG. I spend <10 mins per day on Twitter. I logged off youtube and dropped all my subscriptions. I have uninstalled all time-wasters from my phone, even twitter. I have stuck with my diet for the last 2 weeks, losing 6 of the 15-20 pounds I’d like to shed. But when I had some extra time to burn, I simply switched from one passive activity to another, from the phone/PC to the TV, from my recent habits, to my same habits from 20 years prior. I didn’t take the dog for a walk, pick-up a book, write a post, or email a friend. I watched TV, which is no more in line with my values than skimming through FB was.
I don’t know what will come of any of this, but I hope that it is helpful to write it down, to think about it, and to share it with whoever wants to read it.
Change is hard.
Meanwhile, I feel like I am half-way to where I need to be…