Forward
June 12, 2020
I’m stuck.
I’ve put on 5 pounds.
The angst is back.
I can’t seem to get up and do much of anything.
My PHQ-2 would score would require further assessment.
I need to do something.
I’m gonna run.
I’ll hate it, but that is okay.
I’m gonna do it anyway.
Spite and self-loathing make for a high octane fuel.
I’m gonna run 13.1 miles.
Save the date: October 11, 2020.
#backontrack
July 4, 2020
On 6/13, for the first time in over a year, I ran.
Actually, I am not certain that I can call it running. For all practical purposes I lightly jogged 3.5 miles. I’m not in my 20s anymore, so I took it slow; I was really just trying to see what my heart and lungs would let me do (they are typically the governor on my engine). I expected to make it a mile, tops. I was pleasantly surprised when those heart and lungs actually allowed me keep going after 1 mile, and after 2, and after 3 at what approximately an 11 min/mile pace. So yeah – purposefully slow, but I was pleased to run a 5k without rest on a whim. I wasn’t concerned about the mild pain in the arch of my right foot.
The following day, I hiked the early part of the morning with the camera and then (despite the same pain as I had experienced the previous day, I spent the latter half of the day hiking up to the hangglider launch in Lab Hollow.
Then I ran again on 6/15 and made it another 3+ miles. I was tough and stubbornly pushing thru foot pain for the last mile, ignoring everything I know about graded exposure and pain. #hypocrite This is when most of my patients say that they are able to overcome their pain, because they “have a high tolerance for pain.” I won’t do that. I know better.
So … predictably … I was then unable to even walk comfortably for the next week. I called it a foot strain. Symptoms included medial right arch pain, tenderness at (and distal to) the navicular, pain even with AROM toe curls.
So I’ve begun training with a little more (dare I say, middle-aged) wisdom. After 6 days of rest, I was able to run 0.8 miles before pain. I had plotted out 1.5 miles, but stopped and gently walked the final 0.7 miles.
So I’ve been nudging into it since … This week, I finally ran 1.5 miles in consecutive trials on Wednesday and Thursday without pain during or after. This am, I went 2.0 without pain during and still feel good for now.
Now I’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow.
July 6, 2020
I received a book in the mail yesterday from Patrick titled, “Born to Run,” hence the title of this page. He says that it inspired him when he trained for 13.1 a few years ago. He and I share many personality traits/attributes and he kindly sent me a copy in hopes that I may glean some insight from it as well. I’ll break the seal tonight.
This morning was a bit more labored … I am blaming the spicy mac and cheese dinner and 2 desserts yesterday evening. I really need to get down another 15 pounds … that would make this thing a whole lot easier. I am already successfully fasting 2 days per week, now I just need to redevelop the resolve to not binge on the other 5 days.
This morning, I ran 2.5 miles, up 0.5 from 2 days ago. I am going to do the same tomorrow and then get back to 3.0 on Wed and stay there through Friday, I think. That should build up enough resilience to start exploring occasionally longer distances on weekends … not that I aim to do any such explorations this weekend.
If I make it through the week, I’ll be proud of myself. The weather is going to be brutal, and I start work at 6:30 twice this week, so I need to be up and running at 0500 every day this week. I’ll take Sunday off, maybe Saturday too, but I may just do a fast track through the neighborhood that day.
190
I hopped on the scale, shortly after typing that I needed to lose 15 pounds. Yeah, well … that was before the July 4th weekend. That was before a big breakfast on Friday, Pizza that night, lots of cookies, larger than usual lunches, and all that food I previously mentioned on Sunday.
When the coronavirus started I weighed 182. Then I got to and have been hovering around 186 … until this weekend.
Eff.
#wiser
July 7, 2020
I woke up feeling heavy.
I didn’t want to run, but I got up anyway.
My first steps in the bedroom were stiff, but not sore.
I walked a little longer than usual before starting to run.
I hit my stride, found my pace, and was quickly comfortable.
… until 1.1 miles.
As I moved through mid-stance, I started to feel a slight discomfort and strain in the sole of my right foot. This pain was different than last time. That was more medial, this was more central. That pain was sharper, this one was not. That pain was something that I pushes through.
This time I knew better and walked home.
Tomorrow I’m going to try intervals in the neighborhood and see if I can get some cardio work in and build some resiliency in my tissues in a more novel manner than I have been trying the last few weeks.
Cartesian Thinking
“If only my foot was willing to let me do this, I could run a lot farther.”
Our bodies don’t fail us.
We fail.
Then, if we are so inclined, we try again another time.
Or – in some circumstances – we die.
July 8, 2020
187# – I only had 2 cookies yesterday. No breakfast. Light lunch. No seconds at dinner. No beer.
I ran/walked 2 miles this am with no foot pain. I went through the neighborhood sprinting 2 building lots, walking another and repeating over and over again. I received a few strange looks from folks walking their dogs and a few runner as well.
That first sprint was strange. When I stopped running, my body felt like it was still shaking from the run for another 3-ish seconds. My body couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be experiencing. The surprisal to my nervous system had been staggering.
Meshuggah was supposed to get me through it, but I didn’t hear it much. I think I am to busy on trying to feel myself … to concentrate on my cadence … or my kick … or reaching out the ground in front of me … to my breathing. It all feels unnatural, which is to say how far removed I’ve become from what or who I should be. Running feels foreign … that says a lot about my predicament.
I could have done more, but I am realizing that my lungs and legs don’t necessarily sit at the same table and aren’t always in agreement, so while I felt like I could go farther in the moment, I shut it down. (1) I was sprinting, so that was using my muscles differently than I have been the last few weeks since rising them from dormancy and (2) my foot started hurting yesterday at 1.2 miles and I had sprinted a total distance of 1.3 miles pain-free, so that needed to be considered a win.
I felt a brief twinge sitting on the couch 30 minutes after coming back into the house, but it was fleeting.
Tomorrow – I’ll do it again.
DOMS
July 9, 2020
Yep – stopping the run/walk yesterday at 2 miles was the right decision. Hamstrings and Quads are both sore. So much so that I don’t want to sprint with them again today this am. I could run lightly on them, but then I am not following my rule about giving the foot a rest from longer and repetitive stresses until the weekend.
I when I was sprinting in yesterday I was reminded of my youth and playing high school baseball: I strained my quad in the pre-season in both my junior and senior years, sprinting after a dormant winter.
I’m gonna wait out the day and get on the bike this afternoon. I’ll stay flat for 20+ miles just to get in some cardio in the 90 degree heat. Tomorrow morning is breakfast with the kids, so I’ll just wait to hit the black-top again on Saturday for another 2.5 mile run.
#insomnia
July 11, 2020
It is 0430.
I’ve been awake for 90 minutes and I’m conceding that I am not falling back to sleep. This is after laying awake for 60+ minutes between 0015 and 0115 after Adeline woke me up excitedly eager to play a bit after midnight; Christine forgot to crate her before coming to bed.
It is pouring rain outside. I can hear it hitting the window pane. I can hear it in the gutters.
Two days ago, in 90+ degree heat, I rode my bike on the trail* for 13 miles at a as-fast-as-I-think-I-can-sustain-for-1-hour pace after doing the sprints the day before. I took the day off yesterday.
I’ve gotten dressed to go out and run. Christine tells me that I should buy new shirts for exercising; cotton is to heavy and doesn’t breathe, she says. I’m of the mindset that running should only cost me time and nothing more.
My thighs are sore. Front and back. My calves don’t hurt for the first time in a few weeks, though, so there is that.
I’m tired, but I’ll sleep another time. I always do … eventually.
“It is time to run“, I tell myself.
Hopefully I can make it 2.5 miles again before breaking down.
*I elected to ride on the trail instead of the road so I could listen to podcasts
Imbalanced
August 2, 2020
It’s not that I haven’t been running; I haven’t been writing.
Too much work. Too many distractions. New camera. Still figuring out to do do everything I want to.
I’m back down to 184#; I continue to binge a little more than I should on the non-fasting days. Some that is cookies, some of that is the 4 crowlers of beer I felt compelled to buy when I was last in North Syracuse to support my favorite local brewery.
I got back up to 3 miles. Then 4. Then pain in my lower leg, in the area of the posterior tibialis. I shut it down and went on an ibuprofen diet. The pain initially prevented me from heel raises of 50% body weight, but I was back to 100% painfree in <48 hours and went back to 3 miles 5 days later without pain.
So back to 4. Then to 5. I’m running how I feel most comfortable, with the same slow plodding and heavy steps that I’ve always had. A hard heel strike, rolling through foot flat with minimal hip extension and most force at toe-off from the ankle. The left sides leg whip is in full effect.
I had been running with a higher cadence and shorter strides initially for fear of turning an ankle, but I just want to run how I run and see what happens.
4.
5.
Yesterday: 6 miles. 1 hour.
Ugh – I thought I was running faster than that, but I am slow as fuck. I am running like a middle aged man who hasn’t ran in the last 20 years of his life. I’m not quite sure why I would hope for something different, but I was.
I need to run farther, but I don’t often have time to run more than an hour any given day, so I need to cover more distance in the same time. I need to start to push myself.
I’ve been running comfortably for the last 2 weeks. I used a phone app for the first time yesterday, curious what my splits were and miles 1-5 were all the same. I need to be working myself harder if I want to get this thing done. If I can run as fast at mile 5 of a training run as I did mile 1, I am not training hard enough. I need to stop being a wimp and push myself.
Christine is shorter than I am and runs a half marathon with 9’30” splits; I should be training beyond that.
Or should I?
What is my goal? To run 13.1, or to run 13.1 quickly? If quickly, why? Who am I racing against? Myself? Christine? The average out-of-shape middle-aged man? Why would I think or act like I am racing at all? My goal when I started was to prove that I could run 13.1 and try to get healthier – both emotionally and physically – in the process. Am I losing sight of my goal?
What is driving me? Ego? Spite? Something else?
I have 2 months to get stronger. I am now running 100% and 3 miles farther than I was 1 month ago. If I can increase the absolute distance that I run by the same degree over the next 2 months.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll try to lengthen my strides. I’ll try to use my hamstrings more. I’ll try to increase my cadence. I’ll try to run faster.
I’m not really sure why.
8 isn’t enough
August 15, 2020
I’m gonna do this.
I knew that I could do this, but there was still some lingering doubt about my resolve. But this morning, before the heat of the day, I got out and did it – I ran 8 miles, and the first 6-7 weren’t that bad. The last mile sucked, but I did it to myself with poor planning and placing the largest incline/climb in the final mile. They weren’t fast, but I kept moving and I am trying to not think about the speed right now.
I feel okay. I am a little sore, but not terribly. I was never winded. I was limited by my legs more than my lungs. I can work on that. I’ve got 2 months to go.
Shit, at this rate, I’ll hit 10 miles in 2-3 weeks, which then leaves me another 1.5 months to maintain and increase fitness for a one-time 13.1 mile run.
This is turning out to be not-so-bad after all.
#compelled
August 19, 2020
Strangely, I am not enjoying running, yet – at the same time – I feel a compulsion to run. It feels good, in a weird way. I don’t know if it is the satisfaction, or if it is something more basic than that. I’m not sure, but there is some until-now-not-before-experienced drive to go for a run.
The alarm goes off and I pop out of bed, because I have to. But it isn’t begrudgingly, like it was before. The experience has a different quality. It isn’t fun.
I’m hungry for it.
Weird.
#stressed
August 23, 2020
8 miles Sunday.
Rested on Monday.
4+ miles on Tuesday … and again on Wednesday. Each at a bit of a quicker pace.
Rested on Thursday.
6 miles on Friday.
Was planning on another 8 on Sunday after another day off.
But that was before the dull and aching pain. The pain that is very predictable. The pain that isn’t there when I rest, but is there with every step I take. It is very consistently reproduced. Loaded unilateral plantarflexion and … yep, there it is.
But there is nothing there. No muscle. No tendon. No ligament. Just bone. And yet there is this pain over the lateral calcaneus, a bit distal/anterior to the achilles tendon. Maybe it’s nothing? No, that’s not right. It’s something.
I run a quick google image search for “calcaneal stress fracture” and the first 3 images all have a red dot or arrow pointing to the exact location of my complaints.
Fuck.
Time to dust off the bike.
Spinning Wheels
August 26, 2020
I’ve mashed a large gear on the bike twice now, each time I was fatigued after 30 minutes and kept pushing for another 30. Each time, I have been pain-free, which pleases me. I’d much rather a longer and less strenuous ride, but I don’t have the time, and I don’t know that it would have the effect that I desire.
When I was running last week, my lungs weren’t limiting me, my legs were. They are weaker than I need them to be. If I could anthropomorphize the mitochondria in my quads, I imagine them as little Dustin Diamonds (Saved by the Bell, not the older, adult-cinema-version) … when I ask them to work, they are all yelling “Zoinks!” at the same time. But not in synchrony, just a perpetual echo of noise. They are really annoying.
So I choose to try to beat up and exercise the quads so that they are better conditioned for running than they were before my foot started hurting. Time will tell if it will work, but it should. Whether or not it is perceptible or not remains to be seen.
I’ll keep trying to put in my time on the bike for another couple of weeks before re-introducing running. Even then, I’ll still only run short distances, then finish on the bike, slowly tipping the scales away from the bike and toward the run until I can run for an hour (6-ish miles) pain-free.
This morning? It still hurts to walk on occasion, even when I am favoring the left side, so I’ve got a ways to go.
Now or Never
September 10, 2020
It has been 3 weeks.
By the end of the second week, I was able to repeatedly jump on 2 feet. The left foot/heel would hurt on occasion when I was walking, but my gait normalized.
Until this week, I was on my bike every 2-3 days, working my way up to 30 mile rides. Quads, hamstrings, dorsiflexors, and calves have been cross-trained.
Earlier this week, I was able to hop on the left foot 30 times. Then 30 times, but three times in the day. Now, I am hopping place 30-50 times hourly without pain.
Tomorrow, I will try to run 3 miles.
Christine thinks it is too much too soon; I would agree with her if I thought this was a soft-tissue injury, but if I have a fracture, it has either healed or it hasn’t. I want to run 13.1 in one month. Either I can start to train on it or I can’t. Going slow isn’t going to get me where I want to be.
Either I will be healed or I won’t.
I will adapt to training or I won’t.
A lack of success may be attributed to foolishness and (most likely) stubbornness, but it won’t be from a lack of effort.
So far, so good
September 12, 2020
If I was gonna hurt, I was gonna at least gonna break a sweat before the pain became evident. Besides, if it was gonna start to hurt, I’d rather it start to pain me closer to home, not a mile away.
I started with a high cadence and short stride. After the first 0.1, I was feeling good. By 0.2, I was gaining confidence and began lengthening my stride. Soon after was the first sensation of pain. Same place. Same feeling.
Eff.
But it was gone again, as quickly as it had come on.
Cool.
I maintained the higher (sub-9-minute) pace than I usually would. I was feeling good and if it were still broken, the extra intensity for a short while longer was unlikely to do any more harm the extra mileage I was going to run over the next 25+ minutes.
I turned the corner out of the neighborhood and there it was again. Same place. Same feeling. Same only-fleeting discomfort.
That’s okay – it is just a pain-memory … just a confused neuro-tag. I’ve got this.
I kept going. I slowed down after one mile and fell into my albeit-slow comfortable stride and cadence. After one half mile, I turned around and returned home pain-free.
It feels good. No pain. I even mowed the lawn after the run and … well … it isn’t in my character to be optimistic, but I am not not dismayed either.
Four-Play
September 13, 2020
I didn’t even feel tired or sore after yesterday.
The cross-training worked.
Today I added on another mile onto the 3 from yesterday.
Everything still feels good. I feel soreness in my legs that wasn’t there yesterday, but 7 miles of running in the last 26 hours with no pain in the foot it a positive sign, I think.
Tomorrow I will rest.
I’ll aim for 5 miles on the 15th … this will become my daily distance.
Then 7 on the 19th.
Then 9 on the 26th.
Then 11 on the 3rd.
Then I’ll have one week until the 11th.
Right on Schedule
September 19, 2020
I am running every other day, 5 or 6 miles. I wish I could do it more frequently, but work life is overwhelming my personal time. So too is home-schooling. And commuting. And softball. None of those things in-and-of-themselves is enough, but they chip away at my available time and resources.
Today, though, 7 was no problem for my lungs. I could have gone 9, 11, or 13.1. If I have a limit now, it is my legs.
I noticed that 6 miles was the threshold today when I went from dynamic and capable of variability to … well … to not. Up until that point, I could break stride to avoid obstacles or jump from one surface to another. After 6 miles, though, I was weaker and could feel that my responsiveness wasn’t as ‘on-point’ as it had been an hour earlier. This won’t matter when I run my 13.1 on the groomed canal trail, but it is something I need to remain wary of while training.
Change in Plans
September 21, 2020
We found a rental in near Acadia. It looks nice and is very near the park. It should be a perfect launching spot for day trips into the park. It was only available the week starting October 11 … the day of my expected run.
New plan – Run 13.1 on Sunday, October 19.
5.5 short
September 26, 2020
After 6 on Thursday it felt fine, but yesterday it started aching at rest … no reason, it was just there.
Nothing to be worried about. No problem.
In the 5th mile, it grabbed me a little, between foot strike and mid-stance. It was less achy, more “Hey what the hell do you think you’re doing?”. It feels like it is originating or emanating from deep in the anterior aspect of the talocrural joint.
Probably just rolled through “wrong” … whatever that means.
Then it was there again. And again. And again. Not every time, but enough that I thought I should stop, and I did.
My plan had been to run two 5 mile laps from my neighborhood. I completed less than 1.
800 mg of ibuprofen later I am sitting at my desk, comfortably typing the results of the day.
In 2 weeks, I will be hiking with the family in Acadia – our first family vacation since before Victoria could talk (what as that like?). I can’t be stupid about anything and I need to be in good health.
I was planning on 9 miles minimum and had hoped to have enough in the tank for a 10th. It wasn’t in the cards today. I’ll take another dose of ibuprofen mid-day and try again tomorrow.
Alright, Alright, Alright
September 29, 2020
I don’t know what it was, but I don’t care.
The pain is gone. I was able to run 6 miles today comfortably. No pain.
I’m back baby …
I coulda done it
October 3, 2020
I stopped after 9, but felt fine.
I felt good, actually.
If not for the trip to Acadia next weekend, I would have gone for it. I KNOW that I could have run 13.1 today. There is no doubt about it. My legs felt really, really good. Even at the end, they didn’t feel heavy. I wasn’t struggling to make it up the inclines in the neighborhood and still had a little left in the tank for a little kick over the last few hundred feet.
I look back over the summer and am actually a little surprised at where I am despite the frequent breaks that I have had to take during my training.
I am only 2 weeks away from running the distance of a half-marathon and it feels good.
This sucks
October 4, 2020
Shit, I am not looking forward to the day after 13.1.
My legs are really, really sore this morning and I am moving very, very slowly.
The good news: it is all “muscular”. The foot feels good. The ankle feels good. But daaaaaamn, am I sore.
Shutdown
October 6, 2020
It was supposed to be a short 6 mile run, bit it lasted only 1.5 miles before it was back – that god-damned fucking heel pain was back!!!!
I made it onto the canal path and had to stop.
Part of me wanted to push through it, but when the pain first started, I did the same and I couldn’t even walk comfortably for a week, and I have to hike Acadia with the family this weekend. We haven’t had a family vacation in years … I can’t be hobbling around. I can always reschedule (again) the arbitrary date that I set in my head to run an arbitrary distance I set for myself, but I can’t give the family back a vacation that I ruin if I can’t participate in the activities we have lined up.
The runs will have to wait – I need to be good for Acadia.
Mount Desert Island
October 12, 2020
It wasn’t there when we were hiking 8+ miles yesterday, but I can feel it this evening.
It is just an ache at rest. It isn’t provoked with activity or movement. But still, it is in the same place: the left lateral calcaneus.
I’ll take some ibuprofen and hope that it stays away, or at least muted.
Now what?
October 31, 2020
I made it through vacation without any more pain, but I have been one-part lazy and one-part over-worked since then and haven’t run once as the temps have been very, very cool and I don’t have the attire for running under these conditions.
Too scared to get off the pot
April 8, 2021
The last few months have been a struggle.
The office is confining.
I am isolated.
My life is constructed to spend time with a family that has not interest.
I eat to reduce the sadness.
I am heavier than I was 6 months ago and just as unfit as I was 6 months before that.
I don’t remember how low I was last year, but I don’t know if I felt like this.
I have spent too much time thinking about how to change my life, too little time making an effort to do so.
It is time to shit or get off the pot.
Don’t call it a comeback…
April 9, 2021
… I never made it there to begin with. Let’s call this my second try.
I am going to be smarter this year. I am going to change how I run, but not all at once. I suspect that the way that I run (plodding with a heavy heel-strike) probably contributed to ailments last year, especially the suspected stress fracture. I am going to try to abolish the heel-strike, but understand that strategy comes with its own MSK-concerns. If I am not using a heel strike, then I am necessarily putting more stress through tissues that I have never-in-my-life used the way that I need them to now. I have read a little bit about some things that I should try to me a little mindful of for efficiency as well.
Tomorrow, I am going to go out for a 2 mile run, which is 1.5 miles shorter than my first run last year. I will only concentrate on the mechanics for the first 1/4 to 1/2 mile, then default to the more familiar. I’ll try to keep up my cadence for that first little bit as well, then reduce my speed for the remainder of the run.
I’m gonna succeed this year.
I’m gonna be smarter about it this year.
I think missed it.
I think I need it.
Back in the Saddle
April 10, 2021
I did it … almost exactly as planned.
I ran out of the house and worked on my form for 0.5 miles, reverting to my old form shortly after turning onto Bolivar Road. I focused on landing on near flat foot favoring toward the forefoot-strike only a little bit, higher cadence, shoulders back, pushing through the ball of my foot, keeping my feet under me. It felt fine.
I continued at a slightly challenging pace until I had run 1 mile total and walked for a brief moment before crossing the street and turning from whence I came.
I started walking because I was developing some soreness in my right lateral hip. I am guessing it was glut medius fatigue. I started running for a little bit longer, but the hip wasn’t feeling any better, so I decided to not push it up the incline approaching Bolivar before slowly jogging the remainder of the way home. I really, really wanted to stop once I arrived at Horizon, but I can’t stop every time I feel like it. If I did, I would never make it outside it that were the case.
I owe it to myself to be stronger than that.
I can just take tomorrow off.
Oops … a miscalculation
April 11, 2021
This morning was a bit rough. My thighs were okay, but the lateral hips (bilaterally) were grumpy. So too was my first ray.
I took Adeline for a walk and the hips felt a better by lunch time but the thighs have become increasingly sore throughout the day. The back is sore too … probably from extending a bit more than I am used to while trying to keep my shoulders back. Everything is sore in a way that doesn’t make me anxious.
I had been planning to go for another 2 mile run tomorrow, but I am thinking I might just go for a short 0.5 mile run to work on form and then call it a day.
Oh – and I just came to realize something: I thought that if I ran to the Single-Lane Bridge Ahead sign on Bolivar Road, that served as the 1-mile turnaround mark for a 2-mile run … as I am looking now, it is the turnaround for the 3 mile run.
Huh – turns out I wasn’t being as smart yesterday as I thought I was.
A day off
April 12, 2021
The thighs are a little sore, but the hips feel good. The big toe hurt a little in the very early morning, but has otherwise been pain-free.
The weather is not so pleasant with the temperature dropping below 50 degrees and raining, so Adeline doesn’t even get a walk this today.
Tomorrow, however, is a different day. It will be brisk, but dry. Adeline will get a walk and I will complete the run tomorrow that I had intended a couple of days ago. 2 miles only, concentrating on my form for the first 0.3-0.4 miles.
Then I’ll wait and see how I feel on the 14th.
No date
April 13, 2021
Last year I set a date that I couldn’t keep to. I know why I did it but it didn’t matter. I thought it mattered then, but hindsight is a funny thing.
Last year I needed an end to compel and constrain the means but I don’t need that now. The means is what was fulfilling.
Last year I didn’t achieve my goal, but I felt better anyway. I should have kept going, to be honest. This time it will be different I think (hope?)
Today I ran a concentrated 0.4 miles then a slightly arduous 0.7 before a slow jog home. My calves were a bit sore but nothing else. I realized that by just extending my trunk and pulling my shoulders back a bit, my feet came under me and I am not pounding quite so hard as I usually do.
Still … I am not in a hurry.
I’ll get there in time.
I don’t know where “there” is.
Nor does it matter.