This is another in a series of reflections on the content of my favorite podcast of 2021: episode 110 of The Knowledge Project with Jim Collins.
A really great relationship is one where, if you ask each person independently who benefits more from the relationship, they would each say, “Well, I do.” … the reason that both people can answer that way is because both people are putting into the relationship not for what they are going to get from it but for what they can give to it. And because both people are doing that, both people would feel that they are the ones who are the ultimate beneficiary because of how much the other person gives.
A great relationship isn’t measured in time or money spent. Nor can it be measured in Likes or engagement. It may include such things, but is never about such things.
Relationships are qualitative, never about how much, but rather how. Someone can spend a lot of time with us and make us feel miserable. They can spend a lot of money with or on us but leave us feeling empty. And they can give us lots of likes on social media, but what differentiates their click from that of a mere acquaintance? No, we can’t measure that thing that makes a great relationship, but I think there is a reason for that.
You see, over tens of thousands of years, humans have evolved to become social reactants. Alone, we are unrealized potential, but when we are with or interact with someone else? Well, LOOK OUT! Often times, that someone else is a parent. Some times a teacher. Other times, that someone becomes a friend, trusted colleague, or confidante. But when we meet or come across the right person at the right time, something special happens:
Chemistry.
A relationship is the bonding of separate reactants, each with unrealized potential, that come in contact with each other in the right environment. Both give to each other only what they have, but something strangely beautiful results. Each person feels like they give so little because they unknowingly become part of a chain reaction that unexpectedly proceeds in a forward direction, spontaneously moving toward an equilibrium … the reaction continues forward of its own momentum with neither individual needing to contribute as much to the relationship as they seem to get back from it, so the relationship manifests with each party having the full and robust experience of being elevated and completed by the other without the capacity to appreciate their own elemental contribution.
So, while a more-poetic personality might be inclined to say, “both people are putting into the relationship not for what they are going to get from it but for what they can give to it,” a cynic, on the other hand, will start looking for the catalyst.
Even so, not even the cynic would search for it on Facebook.