Why am I scared of heights? It is unclear. What is clear is that I didn’t ask for that fear, nor any of the others. Nor did I ask for any of my confidences, although I am appreciative of them.
Freedom isn’t the dis-encumberment of action. Freedom isn’t the what we do, it is the why we do it.
Even if I conquered my fear of heights, I could only DO something I couldn’t have done before. My physical ability to climb a ladder has no bearing on why I might want to climb a ladder to begin with.
Avoidance is just failure by another name.
“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.” (Babe Ruth) “We may have lost the battle but not the war.” (Charles de Gaulle) “If you fall behind, run faster. Never give up, never surrender, and rise up against the odds.” (Jesse Jackson) The practice of a philosophy of life (e.g. stoicism) is an insurgency to the soul. It is guerilla warfare on the entrenched establishment of habits, practices, and distortions. Winning isn’t assured and the foe seems insurmountable, but I persevere because I know my cause to be just. Lose today, but lose with purpose. Lose with intentionality. Then fight again tomorrow to win the future.
The stage doesn’t make the actor great. The track doesn’t make the runner fast. The office doesn’t make the manager effective. Nor do the costumes, the shoes, or the suits. Think, restrain, steadfast, and fair. You won’t win awards, medals, or accolades, but you won’t need them, either.
Beauty, it is said, is in the eye of the beholder. It doesn’t require happiness, only appreciation.
Today, I compared an elderly man to a 2 year old. Probably could have done better. Wife called complaining that the MD office wouldn’t refer to home care or sign F2F because they didn’t think the patient was homebound. He had dementia and she needs to bring him with her everywhere for safety. I explained the homebound criteria and she insisted he needs service at home because it is difficult for her to hold his hand to bring him to the car, open the door, get him to sit, and buckle him in. “Forgive me for saying so, but we do the same for our 2 year old children and grandchildren and we don’t consider THEM homebound. Medicare – for the same reasons – doesn’t consider your husband homebound, either.“
Nowhere to go but down: I realized today that I continue to work to try to prove myself at work, as if I haven’t already done so while helping navigate COVID, rise to a 4 star agency, score higher in staff satisfaction than all other managers, retain staff, and be trusted to get shit done. This weekend, I should have deferred an aide question to Monday, not played weekend DPS. When I received an email today, I should have pushed it to Nickolas even if I knew the answer. Remember: there is no one to impress and no heights to climb beyond where I already am. This is it. Stay safe. Stay humble. Stay in my lane.
Ecstasy can only be achieved by living in the moment. Joy is in the present tense. See it. Hear it. Smell it. Taste it. Feel it. All of it. Take it in. Now.
If you are unhappy, purge yourself. Not of the things that make you unhappy; that is beyond your control. Purge yourself of the unhappiness itself.
What is unhappiness if not unmet expectations. Expectations of what? Things you had control over? No? Then why is your happiness tied to anything but yourself? Why are you attaching your life’s value to something outside yourself? Stop it. Happiness might be outside your reach, but serenity is within your grasp.
Stop seeking validation. If you don’t need it, good. Even if you do, don’t try to engineer it. Just go find it elsewhere.
Don’t build a sand castle to satisfy anyone but yourself. Try to build a better castle every time; be pleased when you do and learn when you don’t. Build the castle while consciously reminding yourself it will fall. By bully or bad weather, we build the castle to fall. Process, not product.
Everything is built to fall and weaken in its own time. Entropy needn’t stop us from building things; it only demands that we do so while acknowledging the impermanency of the result.
On anger:
- I’m angered when I feel as if I’m sabotaged by people who are supposed to care about me, have been advised how to avoid sabotaging me, and still can’t yet find a different way forward.
- Anger makes me feel like a modeling balloon, being twisted over and over until the tension is too great and I pop. The balloon, though, is passive. I am not. Do something; popping only hurts the balloon. Even when a child cries, only the balloon is harmed.
- When the balloon begins to pop, I must do the work to uncoil myself. Find perspective. Will this still feel so horrible tomorrow, next week, or next month? Will it even be worth remembering? Don’t be mad at things. Don’t be mad at circumstances. I’m not being targeted or singled out. The world is doing to me the same as it does to everyone.
- Am I mad at a person? Have I not ever done something similar? Has it never been done before and is it somehow unforgivable? Even if were, am I going to be just and exercise wisdom and restraint if I’m not thinking clearly, or will I choose to perpetuate injustice?
- When I’m angry, I yell. I can’t remember a time that I convinced someone of something when I’ve yelled or screamed at them. And I can’t think of a time that I was proud of myself or that I felt like I had grown from it either.
- Can someone sabotage me? No. The only thing that can be sabotaged is other people’s perception of me. I can’t control that, but I certainly try. I try to tip the scales in my favor with my own employees’ and Christine’s perceptions of me alike. Stop it. Their acceptance would be nice and is preferred, but isn’t the deciding factor that determines if I’m prudent, steadfast, fair, or measured. Do things because they are right or just, not because you wish to be noticed, praised, or loved.
- Calmness is restored through perspective.
- Anger thrives in the absence of reason. Anger is necessarily irrational. Yes, anger is natural and very human, but never make the mistake of thinking that something is right because it is instinctive. Instinctive behaviors have evolved to perpetuate the species, not to benefit the individual.
- Even when I was younger, middle and high school, I was most angry when I was being knocked and put down. The same is true today. Why? It is the thwarting of external validation, acceptance, and love. It is me standing up in a crowded room, waving my arm frantically, and shouting, “I’m worthy! I’m worthy!” and immediately being forcibly pushed back down. “No you ain’t, bitch. Shut the fuck up.”